Thursday, December 29, 2005
My luck’s running out AGAIN.
First, my flash just vanished, due tomorrow.
I took an extremely long time to do it.
Lots of effort and frustration..
But it just went missing like that.
Secondly, my friend just stabbed my heart unintentionally.
DMSM doing filming..
Very unwilling to go on screen..
The topic was about the Orion..
The questions they asked just hurt me badly.
I nearly broke into tears when SK sang.
That’s part of her interview, which was very different from mine.
I thought that I don’t bother about failing to get in..
But actually I do mind..
Well, it was my dream after all.
Thirdly, about him..
Not even a Hi and Bye friend now?
He seems to be ignoring me when I’m alone.
Maybe I’m thinking too much.
Fourthly, I simply miss BF.
Top 5 Memorable things 2005
1. Clubbing at China Black (my 18th Birthday)
- If you read my first 2 entries of this blog you’ll know why. But I didn’t post it on my public blog because I’m in the midst of forgetting him and also don’t want people to start raising this issue again.
2. 1st BF photo (Ling’s 18th Birthday )
- Everyone in BF was present and all cooperated to wear black.
3. BF lunch at Hougang mall
- Though the lunch is coincidental, it was the best meal ever in BF for me. I really felt like I was having a reunion lunch with my family. It was really like home. But short of two members (ling and Qamarul).
4. 1st family photo
- First CNY that the whole family went out together. GREAT!!
5. CRMSC
- Enjoyed my TEP there. Got to know lots of fun and great people and a wonderful supervisor. Miss that stopover.
hidden secret star
12/29/2005 10:38:00 PM
Monday, December 26, 2005
Christmas is over..
I am all set to let him go..
It’s just a matter of time..
Easier said than done..
My friend said he had got over his..
But it doesn’t seems true..
But I think it’s hard for him..
He really took quite some time..
In the midst, you’ll see me in more k box session and drinking session..
The one last night did not really satisfy me..
Because I’m still sober though reaction wise slower and I did something wrong..
I’m even more aware of my pain..
I still can feel my heart, mind and soul..
I don’t feel numb at all though my head to toe are wobbly..
But the beer made my mood swing..
High when I’m with someone.. Low when I’m alone..
But I don’t think got chance to have drinking session already..
So k box session will increase..
I can do it..
hidden secret star
12/26/2005 02:59:00 PM
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Merry Christmas..
Today, when the clock strikes 12 midnight..
My story might end..
My story of me and him..
Should I be happy?
Doubt it..
But I’ll surely enjoy this Christmas to the fullest..
Because next year’s Christmas may be different..
Because I may move on without him, celebrating in a different mood..
Have you ever felt dumb?
I do..
All the times..
Especially when I talk to Kenny,,
I will feel that I’m super stupid..
Not that he bullies me..
But it’s like his level of thoughts and mine differ..
And he is quick-witted and smart..
But I’m slow, blur and a little unintelligent..
He’s not the only one actually..
When I speak to people like Qiang, Kelvin, Elfi..
I will feel brainless also..
So whenever I don’t understand, I will laugh and ignore..
Because the majority don’t even want to explain to me..
I can understand how they feel..
hidden secret star
12/25/2005 09:24:00 AM
Thursday, December 22, 2005
I started this blog because I want to blog about him openly..
So that I can record down every single bit about him..
But I think soon, this blog will become futile..
I have every intention of letting go..
I need to..
To my bro..
I can feel the melancholy from your normal smile..
Uncertain about the rationale behind my bizarre feelings..
But whenever I see your smile nowadays,
I feel the sudden cringe of pain in my heart..
It is as if I am feeling the anguish..
Maybe it is because I myself is suffering from agony too..
Hope that both of us can get over this misery..
I will accompany you to k box or drinking session till the end..
Promise..
Are you ever touched by dramas?
Especially those love stories which seems too real to be true?
I have read a story about a couple..
A true encounter which happened to my friend..
And I'm somehow moved by their love story..
Their love story only thought to be exist in movies and dramas..
But I guessed that happy endings only occur in dramas..
Not reality..
Have you ever encountered your dreams shattered?
I have..
I didn’t make it for my very first audition..
My friend got in..
She has the potential..
I only have dreams..
Really hope that she could represent me to fulfill my dreams..
To stand on stage during the finals..
Sing with all her heart..
All her friends there to support her..
And win this competition..
I have faith in her..
But sometimes it is really hard to watch others fulfill your dream..
To possess what you long for..
You’ll eventually envy them..
You may even intend to forgo that dream of yours..
For me, I had and will never resign to fate and destiny..
Even though I may not be able to own it..
I will still hope for it..
I can dream of it..
I believe that one day I will be able to accomplish it..
Quite happy that Ms Ho actually graded us (me and SK) A for CRMSC..
This shows that all our sweat have paid off..
But then I understand perfectly that she has tried her best to help me appeal for the A..
Because of my first warning letter (lateness)..
Well.. I won’t mind a high B..
At least I know that she actually thinks that I deserve the A..
I’m satisfied already..
PS: I want to thank the following people in my circle of trust..
Mad, Sm, Jack, Xiao Ying, Kenny, Ling..
hidden secret star
12/22/2005 09:40:00 PM
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Lots of people giving me advices..
Most of the advices are the same..
Give up..
Maybe I really should move on..
I will try my best to do it..
After this Christmas, I will try to move on with my life without him..
I need time..
This time round, the feeling’s different..
That time I consider to give up because I thought that he is avoiding me..
But now..
It is for me to have a brand new start..
To hope that the relationship between us will be like before..
Forlorn? Yes of course..
But I believe that time can heal my wounds..
I believe I can forsake this one and a half year’s one-sided feelings for him..
Painful.. Tearing.. Bleeding profusely..
But I will stand up on my feet once again.. Myself..
I need nobody’s help.. nobody can pull me up..
I must do it myself..
Trust me.. I will..
hidden secret star
12/21/2005 02:23:00 PM
Monday, December 19, 2005
phew.. finally i cleared my doubts..
was pretty worried at first..
but now i can stop troubling.. FINALLY..
i’ve got my answers..
though i’m not sure it is a good or bad news..
but i’m still relieved..
well another question is..
should i continue to like him..
or should i give up like what people suggest me to..
i know i’ll be heartbroken if i do so..
crestfallen.. devastated.. miserable..
but if i don’t do it, i may cause others to be miserable..
i think i need to socialize more..
and STOP thinking too much..
my goal for the coming year..
get a life..
learn to put makeup..
no more black tops..
fill and change wardrobe..
more photos..
socialize more..
stop thinking too much..
exercise more..
plan for more activities..
get a job..stop being wishy washy..
hidden secret star
12/19/2005 03:55:00 PM
Saturday, December 17, 2005
i always thought that when you are in love with someone,
you don't have to care about the others..
but now i think otherwise..
now that the situation somehow changed and became tense..
i feel extremely uneasy..
especially after last night's movie..
and what mad said to me..
i am scared..
i am afraid..
please do not loathe me..
i think i had caused lots of inconvenience and trouble for others..
just because i fall for him..
and because the secret is somehow let out..
even he himself knew it, i guess..
i believe that there will be no more coincidental happiness for me..
but is it really wrong to like someone..
maybe it is..
especially when you fall for someone in your clique..
i really feel like turning the tables and find out what is actually going on..
but people tell me that it is not advisable..
he seems to be escaping..
but the truth is i am the one who is not true to my own feelings..
i’m not frank enough to everyone..
i’m the one who is escaping..
what am i suppose to do..
stop liking him?
tell everyone the truth?
go straight to him?
i never ever requested him to have any response to my feelings..
i am contented to be his friend, in the same clique..
why can’t everything be normal now..
maybe it is human nature..
maybe because i am not good enough to even deserve a chance to like him..
maybe..
BU GONG PING- Jenny Yang
jian qiang de li youzhi shi zi ji pian zi ji
ni yan zhong de kong ju shuo se me dou duo yu
fu chu de yi qie zhi bu zhi de yong yuan bu hui you da an
zhi you tian zhi dao wo you duo me ai ni
yi ke xin shu yu yi ke ren
zai ai qing li se me suan gong ping
ai de shen ye shang de shen
shi bu shi zui mian le zi ji
yi ke xin shu yu wo zi ji
ai qing li zhao bu dao gong ping
er dang ni zui hou xuan ze le tao bi
wo xue hui bu gong ping
ben lai jiu bu gong ping
hidden secret star
12/17/2005 01:15:00 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
pms-ing..
in the mood to do anything except work..
overdose with non academic tasks..
i always put the most effort in this type of things..
attended 3 birthday parties this year which gave me the deepest impact..
they had what i wished for..
they had what i dreamt for..
though there's flaws..
but i think they are happy..
never mind..
hidden secret star
12/13/2005 11:47:00 PM
Sunday, December 11, 2005
bits and pieces of him filling up my entire life..
from the day i started to notice him..
till the day i fall for him..
all of these adds on..
and i am never tired of it..
i can still remember he broke my water bottle..
i had a one to one lunch with him..
i walked home with him..
the first time he sent me home..
his mesmerizing smile..
his superb presentation skills..
doing projects with him..
the sporty side of him..
he in his chef uniform..
his leadership skills..
and so so many more..
but i still don’t think it’s enough..
i want more..
i have a dream..
i hope to have a birthday party..
where i can have my friends from black friday and my outside clique to celebrate with me..
if i can ask for more people, it’ll be even better..
but from past experience..
this is enough..
i dream that on that day, everyone is in their best attire..
i have a big beautiful cake..
everybody is singing a birthday song together for me..
we are all having dinner in a big table..
everyone enjoys the party..
and everyone is very happy..
we play games..
and we interact..
all of us stay over..
but this is just a dream..
hidden secret star
12/11/2005 03:42:00 PM
Friday, December 09, 2005
loads of work for me this weekends..
feeling sick and officially broke...
all these equates to no china black party for me..
disappointed? very...
but my dearest sister brought me good news..
reporting live from china black..
BREAKING NEWS..
he asked about me..
and i jump for joy..
okay i'm making a BIG commotion again here..
but can you imagine this?
he is always so near but he seems so far..
saw him twice ONLY from far on thursday..
PATHETIC..
haven't spoke to him for more than a month, i guess..
miss him so much..
especially his smile..
it totally mesmerizes me..
hidden secret star
12/09/2005 11:44:00 PM
Saturday, December 03, 2005
comparing my secret blog and my public blog, i prefer to blog in here..
i don't have to hide anything here..
especially when it is about him..
most of my readers are in my circle of trust..
but i'm afraid that my readers might get bored..
cause i strongly believe that this whole blog will be filled with the topics about him..
but today i'm going to talk about a something else..
i am a very short girl..
99.9% of the people around me are taller than me..
some are even double my length..
people like to make fun of my height..
i'm already used to it..
but lately i made a discovery..
whenever i'm beside someone who is much taller than me..
or they are bigger in size..
i will feel protected..
and i will trust that they are able to protect me..
not in terms of a boyfriend protection..
the feeling is like a big brother protecting his little sister..
people often ask me to grow up..
but i don’t want to..
all my life i have been a big sister..
always setting examples for my juniors..
i’m tired of it..
i want to break free..
of course i know my limits..
so mum and dad..
i hope that both of you can trust me..
what is wrong with staying over..
what is wrong with clubbing..
what is wrong with drinking..
what is wrong with going out till late nights..
it is not as if i do it often..
it is not as if i will lead astray..
it won’t affect my studies..
definitely won’t affect the love i have for the family..
i will still be filial..
so please..
let me go..
hidden secret star
12/03/2005 10:16:00 PM
every night when i lie on my bed and close my eyes..
the first thing i see will be his smile..
the smile that i will never forget..
that night on my 18th birthday..
something good happened to me..
people might think that i'm making a big commotion over it..
but i think it's the best memory so far..
that very night at china black..
i was dancing myself feeling faint after drinking..
i wasn't happy at all though it was my birthday..
my parents ordered me to go home when i just stepped into the club..
all my friends moved on to the platform to continue dancing..
they asked me to join them but i refused..
at the spur of moment, his hands reached out to me..
he smiled and invited me up to the platform..
i held his hands and moved beside him..
though it's just a few seconds of happiness..
but i think i'll remember it for life..
sm asked me once..
is my feelings stronger for him than for the other him..
i blushed and replied firmly..
YES..
hidden secret star
12/03/2005 01:12:00 PM
Friday, December 02, 2005
this is the first time i can blog about my true feelings..
i'm hidden and secretive..
and i don't want to be found..
dreamt about him this morning..
don't feel like waking up at all..
but i don't have a choice if not i'll be late for school..
the dream goes like that..
i was with a group of people..
then he came..
he smiled at me..
and i happily smiled back..
then i woke up..
sweet dream..
though short..
hope that there is episode two tonight..
saw him in school today..
we did not utter a single word to each other..
we did not acknowledge the presence of one another..
but i was still happy that i finally saw him after the disappointment of last night..
but then could we still be like before..
i always question myself..
things seems to have changed after that very day..
that very day that the secret is partially revealed..
though it was unintentionally..
but it affected me greatly..
trying hard to let nature take its course..
but i know that my feelings for him had never been stronger than anyone else i had feelings for..
but i think my feelings for him had brought inconvenience to everyone..
apologise for my wilfulness..
can't help..
miss him lots..
hidden secret star
12/02/2005 10:59:00 PM
