Tuesday, January 31, 2006
CNY second day at Jack’s house..
The girls were drunk..
Embarrassing things I did and say..
[After I was sober I could remember everything]
Made a fool out of myself..
Chivas plus Tiger beer..
I drank the least..
Was not drunk at first..
The last gulp of Chivas K.O me..
When I’m out of his house..
I fell and fell..
Jack helped me up..
[But I kept on pushing him away so as to prove that I am okay]Kenny helped Lia..
Embarrassing things that I did:
Falling to the ground like an idiot..
I told them that I cannot bear losing my eyes and voice..
[Then Kenny asked me not to think too much]I sat in the middle of the road..
I dashed across the road..
I cried in the cab..
[But I think nobody knows]When we reached YCK, I nearly walked to the school..
I told Lia to cry together with me..
I keep on saying I can take the MRT home myself..
I cannot differentiate my left and right..
I cannot remember where I stay..
It is till I reached my block and I saw my Aunty and Uncle then I am a bit awake..
Cannot let them worry..
And I was quite lucky that I did my best not to be drunk at home..
And lucky that only my sis is awake..
Thanks to Kenny and Jack..
For taking care of us girls..
hidden secret star
1/31/2006 11:14:00 AM
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Thyroid..That’s what it is called..
Effects..
Eyes will grow bigger till it’s bulging out..
[It will be very ugly and scary]
Lots of other effects on eyes..
It depends..
Blur vision.. Irritated eyes..
Slim down or Grow very fat..
Tiredness..
Hands shaking..
And some other effects I don’t know..
What will happen..Minor cases..Medication forever..
[The medication will deteriorate the liver and kidney..]
Major cases..Needs to go for operation on the throat..
Lead to cancer..
May god bless me..
hidden secret star
1/28/2006 12:37:00 PM
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Seen the doctor..
Totally regretted..
Just brought me more trouble..
Examine tomorrow..
Results out two weeks later..
I don’t want to have big eyes anymore..
I don’t want to be slimmer..
I don’t want to be tired everyday…
I don’t want to lose the nights out..
I don’t want to miss the fun..
Be stuck in medication..Today I wanted a day off..
But I think god just wouldn’t let me off..
My life has turned into a drama..
I was on the train heading to town..
At AMK station, he board the train with her at the door beside mine..
At FEP, we walked past each other twice..
But we ignored the presence of one another..
Fake..
Disheartened..
But comparing my drama with others..
Mine is much inferior..
hidden secret star
1/26/2006 08:49:00 PM
Can’t stand it anymore..
Tomorrow I shall AIM [read it backwards]..
Need to have some time alone..
Think I’ll go shop somewhere..
Or go to my favorite places to hide..
Lots of things I still couldn’t understand..
Lots of memories I need to put away or maybe erase..
Lots of frustrations I need to let out..
Though I really hope that someone can be there all the time..
But then others have their own problems too..
And they will be bored with mine..
Today’s outing..
Atmosphere bizarre..
Distracted by distractions..
Laughed to laughter-s..
Thinking of thoughts..
Understanding what is understood..
Bring us all back..
hidden secret star
1/26/2006 12:21:00 AM
Monday, January 23, 2006
A little matter now can make me agitated..
So please try not to provoke me in any way..
I don’t want to break down in front of you..
Today I almost shed tears again..
When I was redoing the SBM website..
And my peers were saying that Woon will most likely issue a warning letter to me..
[This time because of the stupid show thingy]
I was like..
Not again..
And if he really did, my grades will pull down again..
Not that I care about my grades..
But it is like I put in so much effort every stopover..
And the warning letters keep piling up..
When I saw him..
When watching the movie with Mad..
In her shoes..
Reminds me of me and my sister..
That show is touching though draggy..
I wonder how long can I tolerate and hold back my tears..
Been spending lots of money to let out my frustrations..
Movies.. Shopping.. Food..
I hope I can spend my money on some other places..
K box.. Alcohol.. Clubbing..
Which I think can better release my stress..
hidden secret star
1/23/2006 10:40:00 PM
Friday, January 20, 2006
Feel like crying..
My heart is aching like hell..
My smile is fake and deceiving..
I almost break down but my conscious don’t allow me to..
Saturday during work..
That day at KM when Kenny fanned me to cool me down
[Because of some idiot un-gentleman guy.. ]
That night at bread talk when I was having dinner with Von and Mad..
[I told them I was sad but they ignored me.. so..]
That night when I was in Starbucks with Mad..
[Thanks Mad I knew you were tired but you still accompany me]
But whenever I almost weep, I will tell myself..
“Don’t cry!! You are not allowed to!!”
Trying to get warmth..
From people..
From gatherings..
From the cuddles that I initiate to the sisters..
From the drinking session I initiate to the brothers..
From the outings I initiate to the clans..
But it is still not enough to keep me distracted..
Lots of people troubled by love..
Hang in there my dear brothers and sisters..
Follow your heart..
hidden secret star
1/20/2006 11:09:00 AM
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Tired..
That is the first word that cross my mind nowadays..
Everyday in school from 8.30am to 6pm..
Plus loads of work from Mr. Fuan..
Weekends working full shift 11am-10pm..
Then sometimes I burn midnight oil for nothing..
I am just hyper to do everything..
Maybe because it keeps me occupied and makes me dead beat..
But no matter how drained I am, I will still think of him..
Friday after the BF celebration, we finally head the same way..
But after crossing a road, we parted again..
Sunday when I was at Yishun MRT station..
I saw him going up the escalator..
I quickly changed my direction to the opposite escalator..
And I was rather stupid enough to go wave to him..
But not sure if he saw me even though he was looking directly at my direction..
Okay.. Enough of him..
I shall continuing pursuing my drink drank drunk motto..
I have changed a lot..
Now I tend to laugh at every single thing..
Whether it’s funny or not..
And my laughter is ‘laughing out loud’ type now..
Before I came to Secondary and met these bunch of people,
Whenever there is something funny,
I will only smile..
In the past, I everyday frown..
Now I everyday laugh..
According to my friends,
I’m much more confident and optimistic now..
Dress code..
Definitely changed a lot..
Now I talk a lot..
More crap..
More lame stuffs..
More complaints..
More gossips..
I learnt how to pursue my dreams..
I learnt how to not let people worry about me..
So everyday I try to put on a smile..
I learnt to hold back my tears..
I have more control with my emotions now..
I have grown up..
hidden secret star
1/18/2006 12:22:00 AM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
I really had enough of KM..
I am supposed to go there to slack..
But in the end, I do more work than ever..
Too much till my mind is deteriorating..
So stressed up and pissed off..
So what if Mr. Fuan promised me an A..
I don’t want to do this pile of shit anymore..
I am really worn out and dead beat..
I don’t even have time to go for my meals..
Get me out of this ASAP..
Just chat with this psycho guy from Netherlands..
Regret accepting him..
I shall just ignore him..
Well I know he is some sort of cheat..
But my other friends who added me from other countries are really fine..
Okay I shall not accept any anonymous friend anymore..
Sometimes I just don’t know how to react to certain situations..
Sometimes I just don’t know how to deal with my wrongdoings..
Especially when I don’t even know that I am wrong..
It was really unintentionally..
Though I’m always like that..
Not observant enough plus I have amnesia..
Blur, slow and no common sense..
I really made quite a number unhappy..
Adding on to my guilt now..
Well I really need to accept some facts..
The fact that BF 13 no longer exist anymore..
Without the presence of a few members..
I need to accept that his life is going on..
And how to handle awkward situations about him..
How to really stop controlling my emotions too much..
I need to breakaway..
hidden secret star
1/12/2006 10:45:00 PM
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I want to confess..
I did 2 things wrong..
First, I shouldn’t have composed that song..
Sorry Kenny..
Second, I shouldn’t have asked Jack for a puff..
Sorry Mad and Jack..
I know you guys are really concerned about me..
Quite dumbfounded by Jack’s and Mad’s reaction..
But I’m touched..
Thanks guys..
If you really want to know what exactly happened..
Here is the story..
Friday after the esplanade trip..
We were walking to the MRT station..
Mad and Lia quite in front..
Kenny, Jack and me lagging behind..
The guys were smoking as usual..
My heart was tearing apart..
Extremely painful..
I needed something to heal it..
I reached out my hands to Jack for his cigarette..
And he somehow scolded me..
I wasn’t thinking much at that time..
But I knew he will definitely reject me..
Didn’t know his reaction will be that big..
He said he will ignore me if I ever do that..
And not befriending me..
He rattled on quite a lot..
I was speechless..
Mad says she would too.. But I’m really mad nowadays..
Doing foolish and crazy stuffs..
Ignore me if you want to..
hidden secret star
1/10/2006 11:47:00 AM
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Friday was an emotional day for me..
And it very much tested on my EQ...
How well I managed my emotions..
And indeed I think I did a splendid job..
I just couldn’t understand myself..
What on earth is wrong with me..
When I saw him during the PS lecture..
I nearly breakdown..
But I was still laughing like a lunatic towards everyone..
I can laugh at every single detail..
Whether is it actually funny or not..
I nearly did outrageous stuffs..
I nearly shed tears in front of everyone..
I just need something to let out my dismay..
The short k box session did not help..
Neither did the esplanade trip worked..
Think I need more outings..
Today after work, I walked alone on the orchard road..
I nearly went to blue stars despite my feet aching..
But my intuition tells me that I’m nuts..
Wake me up..
Like what Jack did..
Get me back on track..
hidden secret star
1/08/2006 01:24:00 AM
Friday, January 06, 2006
My eyes are extremely heavy..
Insufficient sleep for 5 consecutive days..
But whenever someone says K box or drinking session,
My eyes will lit up..
But then it never really happen..
Monday, I finally managed to have a normal conversation with him..
Just like in the past..
But then the next day back to school during lunch,
I sat beside him..
But we didn’t say a single word to each other..
I’m suppose to be in the midst of forgetting him right..
But don’t think I can make it..
My feelings is still there..
And it aren’t reducing..
I helped Kenny to write a song..
Actually I wanted to write the song about me..
But then my first thought was about this story..
The lyrics goes like this..
Verse 1:
Ri ji li you ni xiang wo de zu ji
(Your diary still contains stuffs about me)
Ni shuo bu xiang ze yang jiu fang qi
(You said you don’t want to give up just like that)
Kan jian ni ku qi rang wo se bu de ni(I can’t bear to leave you when I see you cry)
Verse 2:
Zai yuan fang kan jian ni mo hu bei ying
(I see your hazy back from a distance)
Rang wo bu se you ni zai huai li
(I can’t bear to let you leave my arms)
Hao xiang yong se me lai ma zui zi ji(Feel like using something to anesthetized myself)
Lai wang ji he ni shuo de yi qie si qing
(To forget whatever I’ve said to you)
Chorus:
Bie zai wen fen kai de li you(Stop asking why I break up with you)
Ni de yan shen fang fou zai na li gao shu wo(Your eyes seems to be telling me)
Bie zai wen li kai ni de li you(Stop asking why I’m leaving you)
Bie zai shuo fen kai de li you
(Stop saying the reason to leave you)
Wo bu xiang zai shou tong yang de sang tong ze mo(I don’t wish to go through the torment and heartbreak again)
Bie zai shuo yao fen kai de li you(Stop saying the reason I’m leaving you)
Bridge:Bu xiang ting ni shuo(Don’t want to listen to what you say anymore)
Bie zai shuo yan juan le fen shou
(Stop saying that you are tired of breaking up)
Mei yi ci zeng cao hou wo men guo zi ji de shen huo
(Everytime after quarrelling we will go on separate ways)
Bie zai wen wo wei he fen shou bu hui tou(Stop asking me why I break up without even turning back)
I can trust people with my secrets..
But can people trust me with theirs?
I may not be a good advisor..
I couldn’t even solve mine..
But I’m definitely a very good listener..
hidden secret star
1/06/2006 02:16:00 PM
